Let it be

And still things keep happening. Some weird coincidences... again. I really wish that would end one day.

This book I'm reading is more and more to the point or better: to the moment for me. It makes me love Grace deeper, or more accurate: it makes me understand better why I love her. No, it's yet different: it makes me understand why she happened to me. That I did nothing to save her, but that in fact she saved me. She is unsaveable because she is perfect. She is the purest being I've ever met. And I feel proud and blessed that I could be with her for those two weeks. And I know it can't be repeated. She is like a butterfly that sits on your opened hand. It doesn't matter what you think or want. You know that if you close your hand the moment will be gone. You can only enjoy the moment. You cannot prolong it. You can destroy it, but you cannot make it last. The more you are relaxed and joyful, the longer the moment lasts. Don't destroy it. Only she desides when she flies away. Realizing this makes me free to be open again. And being open is enough to meet someone new. Her name is Janeth.

Ahh, those coincidences. I'm ignoring them now but they still keep happening. Friday last week I finally bought two new shirts in Kariakoo, the market area near the city center. In the shop is a lady who buys two jeans. That evening we go with a group of volunteers and friends to a music festival, not far from my guesthouse. At the end as I get ready to leave a lady comes to me and says 'hi, I saw you in town today! You bought two shirts and I bought two jeans'. Funny, there are only about 3 million people in this city, so a thing like that is bound to happen sometimes. At the festival I have met Betty. In fact she has introduced herself to all of us. The evening is unexpected, during the performance of the band nobody dances, everybody sits and watches. Except for one moment when a crazy girl is doing a very weird kind of dance. It's Betty of course. When I go to get a drink later she orders a white wine on my account and we exchange phone-numbers.
Saturday night I meet Janeth. I'm looking for a night club and find club 'Much more'. It opens at 22.00 and I am the first customer. The first two girls that come in are Janeth and Fahdila. Janeth comes straight to me and joins me at my table. It's a lucky coincidence she lives very close to my guesthouse in Sinza. And we frequent the same bar there too. Sundayafternoon I get a SMS from Betty. I show it to Janeth, who asks bluntly: "Did you sleep with her?". I laugh and say: "No, she is too crazy for me!". "Hmm" says Janeth "Crazy? Betty? I think I know her". We compare Betty's phonenumber in our phones... and yep it's the same one. Now cut it out with these coincidences, please, I really don't need them!
Later Janeth will call Betty on my phone to tell her to stay away from her husband. Oh this girl has a lot of anger inside. She's picking fights with taxidrivers and waiters. Luckily my Master, Bhagwan, has something to share about this. He says that suppressed sexual energy will turn into anger. The energy takes another form. So, we have something to work on there.

I'm invited to go to church next Sunday. At first I reacted not so friendly, but on second thoughts I accepted gladly. And also there is a lady who wants to give me a bible! Not again! I don't even know what to say anymore. I avoid discussions. And no, I don't ask where we are coming from or how all the things on earth came into existence. I really don't, I don't even care, nor where we are going to. We're all here, let's deal with that.
And if I would concentrate I probably still could 'win' a discussion about creation and evolution or at least make the other feel uncomfortable. But really, what would be the use of that? Besides, I know that I am wrong too. Because I don't know of course. The other is seeing just a small part of the truth as well, but as long as they don't want to be looking for more what can I tell them?

I have always liked a story they told us when we were looking for a new school for Bert. At the Waldorf school they told this story about a Master and 7 pupils. They are walking along a path. At a rock they stop, the master sits them around the rock. It has been raining and the sun is shining. The masters asks them all what they see. One says the raindrops are yellow, the second says they are violet, the third blue, etc. They all see a different color and start arguing about it. Then the masters tells them to get up and move over one position. Again he asks what they see. They all, of course, now see a different color. So in this way they start understanding that there are more truths. It's a nice story and I've told it myself many times. But now I am starting to ask - why are there 7 pupils? For the stories sake, there are 7 colors in the rainbow... What if there are only 6 pupils? What if there are more colors? Or what if there is no master? Or what if you are alone? If you are alone, when are you going to find out there are more colors? What if you walk that path every day and rest at the same place at the same time day after day. You see the sun reflected in the raindrops. You see them yellow. You've seen this hundreds of times, so you know it's true. Then one day you're out of your routine, you sit on a different place or you are late... and you see not yellow but green. Will you accept this new color as true? Or will you say 'No, no, it's still yellow, I'm seeing this only because I'm out of my routine'. Will you ignore it or will you accept it? I am alone and this is what I know. The things I've known for 40 years are not true, the things I've know for 25 years are not true. The things I know since yesterday are not true. The things I know now are not true. And yet I believe everything I see and hear. It's true and then it becomes untrue. This process of 'unknowing' is like falling into an abyss. I feel like this for a long time and have called it so too. Osho talks about the same things. I'm letting go of all that I know, I'm falling and trust that I will be ok. Like that free fall.. but now you don't pull the cord and you don't die. You're just reborn.

When people ask me what I believe I know I can't explain it. Sometimes I will say something stupid like 'I believe in humanity, in unity'. Someone said to that 'Unity is what we experience when we come together in church'. For me that is not it. To feel one with people who think the same. How can something that is the same be unity? Unity can only exist in opposites. Male and female are one, day and night are one, yin and yang are one. All these opposites are one. That is where unity is found.

The one who pushed me towards the abyss is no one less than Jezus Christ. It's the year I turned 40 and I am watching 'Jezus Christ Superstar' on tv. In this musical Judas is saying to Jezus: "So many people are following you now, they do whatever you tell them to do. This is the moment to act, to free Palestine from the Romans and to seize power". And Jezus just answers: "No Judas, you have not understood. That is not what it is about". It was as if he said it directly to me. Judas' words could have been mine. "That is not what it is about". Jezus is like a true Zen-master here. He doesn't explain, just tells you you haven't understood. Go and come back when you do.

Another of my masters is Bob Dylan. In 'Drifters escape' he sings: "You fail to understand, he said, why must you even try?". Osho is saying something similar. Don't try. Trying is from the mind. Understanding comes from within. Don't try, let it be. Be open, allow it to happen, but don't try.

After 5 days with Janeth I already feel like I'm in relationship hell. The moment we get out of bed it's "What?" "Why?" "Where?" "When?". We suffer from major communication failure. And I know it's because I'm trying too hard. But she is 26, she has her own business, she provides for her two youngers sisters (15 and 19), she is intelligent, articulate and speaks good English. She can tell me straight what she feels and thinks. So I am trying and trying, knowingly destroying a good thing. And she does the same. She is irrationaly jealous and already suffering because she knows I will leave in 5 weeks. I really must stop trying to understand.

In fact it was the secret of being with Grace. I did not try to understand. Many things I understood without trying, many things I didn't understand. But I didn't try. She would never enter a building just like that. She would stop in front of the door or gate. Just stop and stand there. In the beginning I'd walk into a hotel, shop, restaurant, bank, anything, to find myself alone inside. Then I would have to go back out, take her by the hand and lead her inside. I haven't tried to understand, I've learned to be aware of it, take her hand and enter together. Don't try to understand and don't take it personal. I didn't take it personal when one day she laughed out loud and said 'I don't really like white men, I like black men'. I didn't take it personal when another time she suddenly laughs and says 'You know, in Mombasa I was counting'. She doesn't finish her thought but I know what she means. It's allright, of course you were. I did the same in fact.
I didn't take it personal when one night she wakes up saying 'Mimi sipendi'. In the middle of the night I'm dealing with Swahili verbs and their prefixes. It takes me a while to find out she is saying 'I don't like (it)'. "What don't you like?", but there is no answer. She just repeats the same words. Is it a nightmare? A bad memory? It could just as well be me, but there is no use in supposing anything. I don't try to understand and just let it be.
Now don't think I'm a saint. I've lost my temper with that girl a few times. I've shouted at her. I've slapped her and dragged her across the floor. But it is useless. The violence excites her, but I can't reach her mind. When I try too hard she swithces off. She is out of reach. This is a girl that will not cry and will not complain. Not once in those two weeks has she complained. She doesn't make things complicated. She says 'I want to eat' or 'I want to sleep'. She is always in the moment. If she is hungry now, better get her something to eat. One hour later she might not want to eat at all. To whatever you suggest she will say 'Let's go'. Or she will say 'I want whatever you want'. Oh and don't worry she can and will say 'no' if she doesn't want something. And if things are too much for her she just switches off.
A girl that says 'I want what you want' and never complaines. Can you imagine that?