People talking, but they don't know...

Wedneysday, November 8th

Pfff, I'm drunk! And alone. I miss her already. Putting Grace on the bus was the hardest thing. Even harder than leaving my son at Schiphol. He is safe with his mother. I love him and he loves me, I miss him and he misses me. It's understood and we stay in contact through MSN. Letting Grace go home alone worries me beyond measure. Anything may happen to her.

After putting her on the bus I went to the school and finished painting the first classroom. It turned out quite nice, I think. After that Steven introduced me to some friends of his, who are planning and preparing some projects in environmental preservation. Their view on things impresses me. They have an integral vision on solving problems. I hope to meet them again and maybe do something with them. They showed me pictures and a video they made of one project they have started. This is in a village where the whole area is treeless. It used to be all green, with forests. Now the land is dry, wind and rain erodes the soil and year after year the situation is getting worse. In the pictures and video there is not one 15+ girl or young woman. They have all left because there is nothing in their village, they have gone to the big cities to try their luck there. Just like Grace. Most of the boys have stayed, for them there is nothing in the city. So the project is also aimed at them to show them possible developments and get them involved and motivated to revive their own community.

Around nine I go out to eat and have a drink. I'm going to return a beer bottle we took to the room two days earlier. When we left the bar they made me pay 1000 Tsh for it. That is ridiculous of course, so I am keen to return it. So I try to exchange my bottle for 1000 shilling. That is difficult.... after a lot of discussing with a lot of people, I decide to apply a little force. I push over a stack of chairs, kick down two barstools and start shouting that I want my money back. It works! When I turn around to leave, 3 waitresses run away from me. I walk away laughing and go to the next bar to eat and drink. And while I am drinking my Konyagi a little too fast, the Fine Young Cannibals sing: 'she drives me crazy.... and I can't help myself'.

Thursday.
There is not a ton of sand on the floor, no clothes either. The towel is on the chair instead of on the floor, the bathroom floor isn't soaking wet. But none of this has any meaning to me anymore. I just miss her.

I've had a bad day 'at work'. Trying to mix the colour for the next class all day. I still have no clue. Wasted a bucket full of paint, this colour really doesn't fit anywhere. I hate those Waldorf pastel colours, I'm more for the hard red, blue and yellow that babies play with. Somehow I never got really started today, just as if I wasn't there.

Being with Grace has done something to me. There is a whole new world I've discovered with her. I can hardly explain what I mean, it's like I've been shown a parallel world, parallel to my own reality. Behind that surface there is so much more, so much more beauty and humanity. And I've seen just a glimps of it. It is as if the walls become transparent when holding her hand.
Another eyeopener for me is the way people react to her. Not the people shouting things at us in the street, but the people we shake hands with. Their reaction tells a lot about themselves, never about us. Some people see her in the first place as a problem, or even just so. Others treat her as a person, with love and respect. And although it's not strictly black or white, most whites are in the first group and in the second group are mostly blacks. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care how they treat the one I'm with. It really means a lot to me to see her being treated as a human being, instead of us both being judged according some meaningless moral standards.

I called her today. She has arrived safely in Mombasa. Mike has picked her up from the bus. She is feeling a whole lot better than before two weeks. This monday was not too bad and tuesdays we even had a perfect day. I hope she won't have a crisis again like last weekend, I don't think her sister can cope with that, not with a baby to care for. I've experienced heaven and hell that day. Right between the crisisses I had my 'weakest' moment. We are watching music clips on tv together. First there is a topic about an old black guy playing good old music. Jimi Hendrix amongst them. They even show Jimi himself, a full version of 'Hey Joe'. That fits well with my mood of that moment. And then, a little later, without warning, Cindy Lauper sings:
'When you fall, I will catch you.
I will be waiting, time after time.'
Could it be that easy?

Ok, ok, I will shut up now. I confess to whatever you are thinking and promise not to speak of Grace anymore. I might lose all my audience.