Mombasa blues

The secret of happiness is to learn to want what you already have. And so a sure way to feel miserable is to long for things you can't have.

I feel miserable. Yesterday I hoped to see a girl that I met the day before and invited to go swimming. She never showed up. In all those weeks I've eaten alone, slept alone, gone to see and do many things alone and it never bothered me. Now I feel lonely.

Imagine there is no heaven, above us only sky. Above me is the Jesus Joy Centre (Evangelic church). My hotel divides Haile Selassi Avenue in two. In one half there are three Mosques, in the other half three Hindu temples. Yes, my lord? What are you trying to tell me? But everybody is shouting so loud, I can't hear a thing. And then, aren't we all missing the point? Some of us worship the suffering of Jesus Christ. The son God sent to earth, the one we nailed to the cross to suffer and die. But are we so blind we cannot see that God is sending his children to earth every day? Those same children we are mutilating, torturing, starving and killing every day? Is it so hard to see that God is not going to save us, that there is no use in crying and praying, that there is no use in waiting for redemption or salvation? That in fact everything is here already, and all we need to do is stop hurting his children?

Mombasa is hell on earth. Downtown Mombasa is on an island in the midst of a large bay, or rather a delta. There are two bridges to the mainland and two ferries to connect the city to the eastcoast. That is where the beaches and all the tourists are. Here in downtown there are just a few whites, some that live here and an occasional traveler. I walked around town yesterday evening. Just in my street I counted 65 people sleeping in the street. In another street they were still selling things. The clothes sellers look alright, they'll probably pack soon and go home. Others don't look so well. Women with children, boys alone or in groups, dirty clothed. Some of them already sleeping next to their belts, fruit or candy. It looks like the majority of these people will spend the night right here in the streets. And everywhere in quiet corners you'll find small groups of people sleeping on a piece of paper under a dirty rag. I just want to get out of here! But I won't run. Haven't I learned on those 'bus' and truck rides in North Sudan and North Kenya how to endure? Just hold on, keep breathing and relax. Even the worst rides have an end and they usually bring you to a place not to be reached easily.

To learn to want what you have. Isn't that Hindu? Is it coincidence that I find myself right beside the Hindu quarter of Mombasa? To want what you have... But how can you achieve things if you live like that? To free yourself from all earthly possessions and longings, is that it? I remember seeing a documentary about Gandhi once. How he tried to achieve this, and how his wife was unhappy with it, feeling unwanted and neglected.

All I really want to do is change the world. But all I seem to do is hold on for the ride.

I'll go to visit Fort Jesus now. Weird name for a fort by the way.

So here I am in Fort Jesus, looking for clues. And just when things can't get any worse, they do. I am unfriendly to a student-guide, a nice girl. She offered me to show me the fort and I started to bitch about money. But a bad mood was all it was, the need to be alone and a need for silence. She just happened to be there that's all. After walking around a bit I read the guide-book. In 1631 the Arab sultan of Mombasa took the fort by surprise and killed all the Portuguese in the fort and in the town. Then the book continues: "Early in the following year, finding life with his own people as distasteful as it had been with the Portuguese, he sailed away in a captured galleon and became a pirate". This man was known to the Portuguese as Dom Jeronimo.

But no, I'm not a pirate yet. Instead I go back to Alice to say I'm sorry. I ask her about something in the guide-book and before long we are talking about Jesus and the bible. Her attitude to live is a lot like mine, except she does everything for the love of Jesus and I still have no idea. I buy her lunch and we talk about many things. She has some wise sayings, for instead if someone is rude she says: 'you may be right, but if you are rude you are wrong'. I like that. And when someone treats her bad she won't let it get to her, but just says to herself 'you'll be back'.

I woke up today with these Hendrix and Dylan lines in my head. They are giving me no peace all day.
- I realize I have been hypnotized by my gypsy eyes
- Storm clouds are raging all around my head
- Your loyalty is not to me, but to the stars above
- I went back to see the gypsy
- Little girl, I could love you...
- All my loneliness I have felt today
It always comes back to the same thing, engagement and commitment. The first, to engage is not so hard. A word, a smile, to say what you feel or what you think, to make a statement in words or deeds, not always easy to do, but you can choose the time and place. To be truly committed, to be there when it's needed, and not at your own chosen time or place, that is the hardest thing. 'You'll be back', 'I went back to see the gypsy'. I really must go back to see what happened to my swimming date. Better be stupid than sorry. Besides that, I just know it will come back to haunt me if I don't check on her.

Now where is my galleon!!! (and at this very moment a boy walks by my table with a 50 cm model of a galleon!)