Haven of peace

It's wonderful to be back in Dar. It feels like home. And living in the city centre makes life very easy. The power problems seem to be over, and my hotel has running water almost all the time. I'm enjoying city life. Been to the village museum finally, seen two movies already and discovered some nice places to eat. And shopping is so much easier too.

I met Steven and David and all the people in the Hekima school again. Feels great. Some very special people amongst them. It's funny, but I feel truly loved by them. There is a conference in the school next week, so I will be helping with that and also will attend some of the lectures.

I've seen Janeth twice now. What really happened is that she was robbed in the street. Four men pushed her on the ground and took her handbag. That same night they broke into her shop and took the most valuable equipment. That means in fact she is out of business. She has decided to sell the rest and must find a job now. She was in hospital because of her stomach ulcers. Because she has no children and no job, the family decided she is the one to take care of an aunt who is dying of leukemia. She must bring the aunt back to Bukoba, so aunty can die at 'home'. That will take maybe 4 days by bus, one way. And the money is not arranged yet, it is an expensive trip. I do believe the whole story. But something has certainly changed between us too. She won't tell me what. But why, while she has no time for me because she is looking after her aunt, who lives two hours away from Dar, do I meet her in the Q-bar fridaynight? With Rosemary and Gerard, and two other white guys. Her friends she says, I have never seen them before. I'm too amazed to handle the situation. I say I'm getting a drink but don't return to their table. Nobody invited me anyway. And why does Rosemary, her best friend to whom she speaks almost every day, not know that I am back in Dar since monday?

Q-bar is full of white men and black prostitutes. I am being jumped on continiously. I talk with Wayne, a Canadian. We talk about travelling, He lives and works in Harare, is in Dar for two weeks for a job. We talk about relationships, we are the same age, not two months between us. He tells me he is still very much in love with his wife. 28 years together and they had some problems too. They decided to start going back to dating again and tells me they play strippoker to keep things exciting. At least four times he tells me he is a Christian. While I am buying him a drink at the bar, he is suddenly gone. With a prostitute to reappear half an hour later. I cannot understand, it is something that does not fit in my world.

The hookers keep trying me. They bump into me, try to dance with me. But with my solitary, weird style of dancing they all give up. I keep refusing to buy them a drink. Not one cell in my body is tempted. As long as Janeth doesn't end it, I will not betray her. Instead I buy a beer for my Masaai friend. He is also a solitary person, we dance together some of the time. I always love watching them in a club. Usually alone and completely free. Dancing alone or engaging others with a very personal style. Dressed colourful in traditional clothes, proud, straight and open to others.

When I leave Janeth is still there with her two white friends. I say bye to her in passing. The next day she drops me a line by sms: 'Did you get a woman yesterday?'. Can she be jealous, angry that I went out alone? So in conclusion... no I don't think she is with me for the money, yes I believe she truly loves me and yes I do believe she is true and sincere. Yet I will end it today. (sms sent this very moment!) I have decided to travel on, one week from now. I told her that I shall invite her for diner in June and for now consider us both to be free.
Our good moments were as close to heaven as it gets and I am convinced we will be together again. But at least now I can travel freely again with an open mind. And of course I will have the freedom to add some more countries to my collection of African women.

Walking in the city one day, looking for a bookshop to buy a Swahili-English dictionary, I see the Cathedral bookshop. Although I don't expect to find a dictionary there, I enter. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and know what I am really looking for. It feels like I'm being hit by a hammer. I have to restrain myself from hugging two elderly white nuns and beg for help. I leave the shop with four books, about searching for peace, for patience, about wholeness and about the ego. After reading two of Osho's books and all that happened to me sofar, I am desperately in need of the next step. The next fase in growing. To be saved and to win back the love of Janeth. I bring back the 'Freedom from the mind" book to Davids shop and take another Osho book to read. It can be no other title than "Inner Harmony"

Being back in Dar this week, I sometimes look at myself in wonder. I've changed (am changing?). I am walking straight. Look people in the eye. Take more time to talk and to listen. I always gave to beggars, but before I gave without making contact. Now I really give, with love. The same with the taxidrivers. All day they offer me rides. I hardly ever use a taxi. Before it annoyed me, I felt attacked by them and often ignored them or reacted angrily. Now I find that there are so many different way's to say 'no' in a friendly way. With others, prostitutes, shopkeepers, policemen it is the same thing. And it's not simply getting what you want being friendly. That works of course, but this is different. It is effortless, comes from within. And it is not meant to get anything. I know I have just taken a first little step on a long road, but it is a road that I long to go.